Journal After the high of confirming my plan to go to Seattle, my energy levels are finally lowering, admittedly a little more than I'd like at times. While lately I've been the happiest I've been in years, I'm still experiencing some depression symptoms, which honestly stand out more against the backdrop of joy and serenity. So I'm trying to be kind to myself and give myself a bit of a break, which can be hard.
Part of this may have to do with working seven days in a week due to working the full weekend in addition to some longer hours last week, which isn't usual for me. Maybe I'm burnt out? It's also 10:40 in the morning right now though, so perhaps I really just need to brew myself a cup of tea for the time being. Only two more days before I get my much-needed restful weekend, though, and I'll be appreciating it very much.
Despite working on Saturday, I, my partner, and a few friends went to see Weird Al in Cuyahoga Falls after I got home. It was really a good time, it made me happy to be with my friends and I was certainly entertained by this man and his amusing little dances. I was never super into his music as a kid (in fact, my mother disapproved of him) but I really appreciate his positive aura and the range he has as an artist while consistently being funny. And he was Cheese Sandwich the Party Pony, I mean come on.
I managed to clean up a lot of the house over the past few days from when I was in a deep depression earlier this year, also, which is huge for me. Right now our kitchen looks so huge and beautiful, the energy in there is completely different and even my cat seems happier with it. My goal for the next few days is to get this energy for the living room, bedroom, and the dreaded "Moving Boxes From When We Moved Here Last November" area. Eek! The bedroom and living room are honestly not that bad (unlike the kitchen, which had become an "I'll break down and dispose of this cardboard sometime later" area) but I need to fold the clean laundry, which is.... Again, dreaded. Putting it away isn't nearly as bad as... *shudders* folding everything and putting stuff on hangers. Funny how some stuff will just give me anxiety for no discernable reason. It does help to reframe my thinking as taking care of myself rather than just taking care of chores, however. This is the first time in my life where I've had a bedroom that wasn't my only personal space, so the living room is where I go to enjoy myself reading, using the computer, making art, hanging out etc. and the bedroom is for relaxation, decompression, and privacy. It's nice to keep it as a soothing area where I feel safe and can recover when I have instances of sensory overload or overstimulation. Marie Kondo's The Life-Changing Manga of Tidying Up (available through your local library!) was huge for us early in the year and has really changed the way I view possessions in addition to other sources of inspiration such as Eastern spirituality (Hinduism and Buddhism especially) and regularly resetting myself in nature. And the only clothes I have left after using her technique are all clothes I love and feel great in. It's actually kind of crazy I'm at a point in my life where I cannot leave the house without people stopping me to compliment me, I do not dress for attention at all but it definitely does something to you when you have a history of mental illness and strangers start bestowing you with positive words on the regular. It's crazy to think only 2 or 3 years ago I wore only black every single day due to how self-conscious I was, and now I'm a color wizard. I'm still self-conscious, but every day is easier when you're wearing something that makes you feel good and magical.
Not really sure what else to put here, but I should probably proofread and finalize my Pokémon page, it's been a while.
I'm going to Seattle!!! :D
Only two nights ago I bit the bullet and bought plane tickets and con tickets for Sakuracon 2026! It's not until April so I have quite a bit of time but I am SO. EXCITED. I'm finally going to meet some of my best friends in the world, some of whom I've known since the early 2010s when I was in high school! I'm actually so glad that traumatic car accident happened when it did, because the imbursement for my pain and suffering is what is finally getting me to go do something that's been on my bucket list forever. :'D (Now I really should work on my Friends page, huh...)
One of my best friends, Serena, I've met before a few years ago when she stayed at my place, and it was actually the first time she'd met up with anyone from the internet. A lot has changed since then and I'm really looking forward to seeing her again along with a ton of friends I've met through her since then. :3 Another one of my friends will be visiting all the way from Ireland which is so awesome. It feels like a once in a lifetime event, but hey, maybe I'll go again in subsequent years if I have a good time. Admittedly, I'm pretty nervous, because I've never traveled completely of my own volition before. Any long trips I've been on before were through family, school, or arranged with someone else, but this is all my doing so I can get there on my own and have a good time with the people I love.
I have cosplay plans, too! I have to start working on them and have already started gathering things since I want to have lots of time to get them right, but my plan is to go as the original Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald Hex Maniac from GBA on one day and as the updated (and much more popular) Hex Maniac on the next day. That still leaves a third day for potential cosplays, but I figure on a Sunday I'll do something casual (Like femme Charlie from Smiling friends? Twintailed Kenny McCormick from South Park? I'm feeling orange here) since I'm sure by then I'll be exhausted from partying but still wanna be in the spirit of the con. I have some wicked purple contact lenses ordered from Singapore, one pair is a mini-sclera purple lens with a spiral just like Hex Maniac's actual eyes, and I'm curious how that will feel and look. I'm really pumped to start working on the wigs and attempt sewing the costumes themselves. The R/S/E Hex Maniac has barely any fanart and if there ever was a cosplay of her, I cannot find evidence of that existing, so my interpretation of her character is going to be a lot of fun to work on.
One of our friends called her "an Etsy witch with bleeded hair dye" which is so funny to me, I really like her style and it's already so similar to how I dress that I'm really looking forward to it. The updated Hex Maniac I've been told I should cosplay more times than I can bother to count, but it feels somewhat vulnerable to do, so we'll see how my sewing goes and I'll do my best to make an accurate and cute cosplay!
Alright, that's enough typing for now. Bye!
It's been an eventful week! I started my new-same job on Monday and I'm having a great time here, which makes up for how sad I was. I absolutely love all my new coworkers and library patrons and the short commute really puts emphasis on the love I feel for libraries and community-closeness. I've had a hard time getting adequate sleep lately due to the change and excitement, but last night I finally managed to fall asleep at a reasonable hour and I feel like my soul has been restored to my body at last. xD So I remembered I have a fun website I can work on! I finished Murder Drones earlier this week and loved loved LOVED it! What a fun series! I'm probably going to end up giving it a rewatch to fully appreciate it since it took a second to get into, I'm obsessed with Uzi and all the adorable fanart of her and N together. Following the Murder-robot trend, I read the second book in the Murderbot Diaries series and loved it as well. I just can't stop reading lately, I'm partway into Dungeon Crawler Carl as well as The Unseelie Prince, and I'm already looking forward to my next read. I've been waiting for something to finally click in my head that gets me back into the flow of reading and I'm so glad it's back now.
Tomorrow I'm headed over to Matsuricon to cosplay Himiko Toga and have fun again, and I'm really excited! I hope I see some Murder Drones stuff there in the artist alley, or maybe some cosplays too. :D I'm going to try to be better about getting my picture taken this time since I was really nervous initially. But if my friends believe in me, I can do it. Admittedly a big part of my nervousness, besides just being really scared of having my photo taken, is that I don't shave my body hair (and don't want to, ever). I'd never considered how this affects cosplay, but a lot of schoolgirl characters show lots of leg and I was nervous that people would be upset by it since unfortunately the choices I make for my body are controversial by today's standards. Once I got appropriate socks for the cosplay though, I realized that knee-highs basically cover all of the dark hair on my legs, so things went smoothly and no weird comments were made. Yay! So I'm feeling a bit more confident now, and I feel like cosplay is a good way to practice building that since it's so fun to be around other people like me. If you talk to someone else in cosplay while you're cosplaying, you already have something in common with them, and I'm finding that it's really easy to make friends. :) Excited for what comes! Maybe I'll get some pictures for my next entry.
It's been a beautiful week. I'm actually writing this on the 24th at 1AM, but I figured it would be better to title this entry for Saturday, since I haven't experienced Sunday yet. The weather was perfect, barely anything bad happened (for once), I got a bunch of unexpected money, wore nice clothes, had great social interactions, and generally spent a little less time crying than i usually do, which is fantastic. Despite this, I am pretty sad to have left my job at one library on my way to another.
I'm very much about a routine, and new changes and uncertainties coming up in my future has me feeling pretty weird for the time being. I was so lucky every day this week to keep seeing people at the library I hadn't in a while, and getting to let them know where I'm going. I have several wonderful people who want to stop by my new job to say hello now, which makes me feel so loved and appreciated when put on top of the wonderful thoughtfulness I got from my now former coworkers. That being said, today I was a bit too emotionally burnt out to go to Akron Pride, having therapy today as well. I'm normally able to handle lively events for a decent amount of time before needing a break, but I could tell my threshold would be too low today before I hit sensory overload nightmare burnout mode in a public place. Aagh!!
So instead, after therapy I went to one of my favorite stores: Books-A-Million! :3
I got this really nice crown-shaped cup for my bookmarks, along with an absolutely gorgeous Bookaroo book pouch. The idea totally came from Bible cases, but basically it's a really nice protective pouch so I can carry around my nice books without getting them all fucked up from being in my bag full of stuff.
I got The Knight and the Moth by Rachel Gillig with an Amazon gift card I got as a reward from a survey the other day, along with The Serpent and the Wings of Night by Carissa Broadbent, which hasn't arrived yet. It's a very beautiful hardcover edition of what I've heard is very good, and now with my fancy book pouch it won't get fucked up in my bag! Yay!
Other than that, just playing a whole lotta Minecraft and getting really into the Murder Drones series on YouTube. I'm surprised by how much I like M.D., I really dislike a certain popular series by the same studio and M.D. is definitely a little cringe, but it's all just so cute and interesting and surreal that I'm totally drawn in by it. I only have two episodes left but I've been enjoying it so much, Uzi is my favorite of the characters.
Anyway, combining the two, check dis out :D
It's been a good week! I've been working on the site, and aside from some finishing touches (proofreading mostly) I'm done with the Pokémon page, which took quite a while just due to the amount of writing I had to do. Yesterday I went to my biweekly support group at the cancer center, which was my second time attending, and it was nice to see some familiar faces and feel the love we all share with one another. It's been super liberating to speak with other people who have family members with late stage cancer in a space where we feel heard and understood.
I've been saying lately that there are hard days and there are days that I feel okay on, and I've been having more okay days since I've started making an effort to be kind to myself and take time to do things that are good for me. Group is one thing that helps, and going to Cleveland Pagan Pride last weekend and the library's comic convention the weekend before have also been joyful. Besides that, I've been spending more time with my online friends over voice call on Discord! Playing games like Left 4 Dead and Minecraft together or just watching random videos and laughing has kept my mood above where it needs to be. They even had a group call with me on the drive home from group yesterday when I was sad, it definitely lifts me up knowing that I have people who truly care about me and are here for me.
I've really been digging ambient fantasy music lately, and the first track on this Quest Master album is my favorite thing I've heard in a while. Check it out!
This is actually my last week at my current job, since I'll be transferring to a new location that's much closer to where my new apartment is. I'm pretty sad, but also excited and looking forward to something new and fresh in my future. I love everyone I work with so much, and I'll still see them, but this was my first real full-time job and it's so crazy that all of a sudden I won't be around the same women I've spent practically every day of the last two years with. Everyone has been so kind in our time leading up to what feels like my demise (hahaha) and I'm feeling positive about what's to come while also enjoying what time I have here with them. Adventure awaits!
My first journal entry! Many thanks to Brock for helping me code the accordion section of this page, which looks wonderful. I was hoping to get this section done today because yesterday I was able to attend Cleveland Pagan Pride, which was delightful! While I'd wanted to go Friday or Saturday, life and work got in the way, and I was up so late Saturday night into Sunday that when I woke up at 14:00 I really doubted I was going to drag my ass up to Bedford to check it out. That was until I checked their website and saw who the special guest was this year-- Oberon Zell-Ravenheart! Within minutes I was dressed up and out the door to make it on time for at least some of the festivities. It was a blast! I saw so many lovely people and felt very loved and accepted the whole time I was there, just like last year when I first went. I brought my personal copy of one of Oberon's books with me for him to sign, which he did, and I bought a beautiful pendant of his wizardry symbol too. He was very kind, and he of all people kept complimenting my outfit, which to me is such an honor! Oberon is legendary for his wizardly swag.
The live music was great as well, I particularly enjoyed seeing Frenchy and the Punk's set. The vocalist (Frenchy) has a voice very similar to that of Souxsie Sioux, and her energy was just amazing. Finally I had the privilege of attending the closing ceremony led by Oberon and his partner Rhiannon, who was also stunning and took my hand(!!!) to lead us all through a spiral dance. I had a wonderful interaction with a little girl named Alice, who was also decked out in purple like I was (and often am) and liked me so much she took me to meet her mom. What a lovely time it all was! Afterward, I stoped by CAM International Market, my favorite Asian grocery, just in time before they closed to get some fantastic tofu for cooking at home. :) All in all, a great Sunday!
